I'm one of THOSE people.....
Life continues to be a never ending journey of experiences and learning. I thought, more than once, that I would figure it all out if I just reached this goal or got that job or made it to this age but you know what? You really never figure it out. You have AHA moments where you think you did and as soon as you decide you're done something comes along and shows you that you were completely and utterly wrong about it.
Fourteen years ago I decided to accept Jesus into my heart and become a Christian. I sincerely believed it would fill the gap in my life, I would be whole again. I would be able to be a better role model for my son. I would attract the perfect, godly man because I was finally a part of something, I was in their clique and they had to accept me. It worked, or so it seemed, for a long time. I got married, my kids were happy. I had a wonderful husband who was the epitome of good and clean and godly. He prayed all the time for everyone, he never cursed, he was Mr. Goody-two shoes personified and I had corrupted him. I tried really hard to be a good girl. I stopped reading the books I really liked, I pushed away those little parts of me I deemed unacceptable because that is what the church said or that is what other Christians told me I should do. I literally hid parts of myself because they were so bad and so unclean that I was ashamed for anyone to ever know they existed. After a while it became easier to forget about them, it became easier to forget they ever existed and in the process I lost a part of what made me who I am. I tried to become a better Christian, I started reading the bible and praying. I surrounded myself with godly people and only watched acceptable shows. I listened to christian music exclusively. We had our ups and downs, there were trying times financially and in our relationship but it was all just tests from God to make sure we were behaving as Christians. Through it all our faith held steadfast and resolute. We knew He had better for us and we would be ready to receive it when the time was right.
Then something happened. Christianity started becoming front and center in the media. People began singing of their faith from the rooftops and all of a sudden the equally as bad side of so called Christians began rearing its ugly head. These people were hateful, they were evil personified and they were hiding behind an army of God's soldiers. I was ashamed, I didn't want to associated with these people. They were saying God would never love anyone who was gay, who wasn't their version of a perfect human. They would say He loves us and He knows we are sinners but only certain sins were permitted. If you committed sins that weren't on that list then there was absolutely no hope for you unless you denied who you were with every fiber of your being. This made me stop and look up. It was like there was a fog around me that had started clearing. I said to myself "wait a minute"......I have loved ones who are wonderful human beings and you're telling me they would be denied heaven on earth just because they were a little different then us, just because they loved a little differently then we do? I couldn't accept that. So I started going the opposite way. I began denying my faith. I said I don't want to be a part of that circus. I don't want anyone mistaking me for one of them.
Then something magical happened. I began finding pieces of me that I had forgotten existed. I found interests I had forgotten I had. I discovered books I hadn't even looked at because I thought I wasn't allowed. A whole new world opened up to me and I was excited. I learned a lot about myself. I found a new confidence I never had before. I realized I could stand up for myself to others and to my husband. I realized I didn't have to just go with the flow and be meek and mild. I could assert myself and be a strong, confident woman. But after a while I could feel the pressures of the world weighing on me. I felt overwhelmed and didn't know who I could turn to. Sure I had friends I could talk to and they were essential to my mental health especially when my husband went through his health issues and could no longer be my partner, be there to help make life changing decisions together or be my rock in a turbulent surf. How did people do this, where did those who didn't have faith turn to in troubled times and what could I do to lessen my burden??
Then one weekend I started a new medication and had such a bad reaction I ended up spending the night in the hospital because they thought I was having a heart attack. I had lots of time to think and I started wondering what would happen to Tom and the kids?? He couldn't take care of the day to day stuff like I do. He couldn't handle finances, he couldn't keep them on track with schoolwork. His brain doesn't even let him help Jadynn with her math homework anymore.....and I realized I needed to take care of me. I needed to be around for the long run. I couldn't just give up and say whatever. I also needed something to give me strength again and when I thought about it I realized that the thing I needed was my faith. But this time I was going to do it on my terms. I had a very long conversation- okay, a one sided one- with the Lord that night. I realized my faith and my relationship with God was just that- MINE. It wasn't about me following the other followers. It wasn't about me being a sheeple. It was about how I felt, how I connected with Him and how I conducted myself. I can still read my books, I can still love my gay friends and family and I know I WILL see them in our afterlife. I know all the people I love will be with me in the end. My God loves me as I am, faults and all. He isn't vindictive, he isn't some stuck up jock from Beverly Hills that only accepts people with certain looks and bank accounts. He doesn't hang out with the likes of a giant cheeto who is trying to twist everything that is good and honest making them work in his favor. He is my God and he is kind, he is loving, and he is merciful.
So I am praying more. I am singing along with the radio on the Christian station. I am feeling better, much less stressful and for that I am thankful. My favorite song is Old Church Choir and no one is going to steal my joy this time!!
Fourteen years ago I decided to accept Jesus into my heart and become a Christian. I sincerely believed it would fill the gap in my life, I would be whole again. I would be able to be a better role model for my son. I would attract the perfect, godly man because I was finally a part of something, I was in their clique and they had to accept me. It worked, or so it seemed, for a long time. I got married, my kids were happy. I had a wonderful husband who was the epitome of good and clean and godly. He prayed all the time for everyone, he never cursed, he was Mr. Goody-two shoes personified and I had corrupted him. I tried really hard to be a good girl. I stopped reading the books I really liked, I pushed away those little parts of me I deemed unacceptable because that is what the church said or that is what other Christians told me I should do. I literally hid parts of myself because they were so bad and so unclean that I was ashamed for anyone to ever know they existed. After a while it became easier to forget about them, it became easier to forget they ever existed and in the process I lost a part of what made me who I am. I tried to become a better Christian, I started reading the bible and praying. I surrounded myself with godly people and only watched acceptable shows. I listened to christian music exclusively. We had our ups and downs, there were trying times financially and in our relationship but it was all just tests from God to make sure we were behaving as Christians. Through it all our faith held steadfast and resolute. We knew He had better for us and we would be ready to receive it when the time was right.
Then something happened. Christianity started becoming front and center in the media. People began singing of their faith from the rooftops and all of a sudden the equally as bad side of so called Christians began rearing its ugly head. These people were hateful, they were evil personified and they were hiding behind an army of God's soldiers. I was ashamed, I didn't want to associated with these people. They were saying God would never love anyone who was gay, who wasn't their version of a perfect human. They would say He loves us and He knows we are sinners but only certain sins were permitted. If you committed sins that weren't on that list then there was absolutely no hope for you unless you denied who you were with every fiber of your being. This made me stop and look up. It was like there was a fog around me that had started clearing. I said to myself "wait a minute"......I have loved ones who are wonderful human beings and you're telling me they would be denied heaven on earth just because they were a little different then us, just because they loved a little differently then we do? I couldn't accept that. So I started going the opposite way. I began denying my faith. I said I don't want to be a part of that circus. I don't want anyone mistaking me for one of them.
Then something magical happened. I began finding pieces of me that I had forgotten existed. I found interests I had forgotten I had. I discovered books I hadn't even looked at because I thought I wasn't allowed. A whole new world opened up to me and I was excited. I learned a lot about myself. I found a new confidence I never had before. I realized I could stand up for myself to others and to my husband. I realized I didn't have to just go with the flow and be meek and mild. I could assert myself and be a strong, confident woman. But after a while I could feel the pressures of the world weighing on me. I felt overwhelmed and didn't know who I could turn to. Sure I had friends I could talk to and they were essential to my mental health especially when my husband went through his health issues and could no longer be my partner, be there to help make life changing decisions together or be my rock in a turbulent surf. How did people do this, where did those who didn't have faith turn to in troubled times and what could I do to lessen my burden??
Then one weekend I started a new medication and had such a bad reaction I ended up spending the night in the hospital because they thought I was having a heart attack. I had lots of time to think and I started wondering what would happen to Tom and the kids?? He couldn't take care of the day to day stuff like I do. He couldn't handle finances, he couldn't keep them on track with schoolwork. His brain doesn't even let him help Jadynn with her math homework anymore.....and I realized I needed to take care of me. I needed to be around for the long run. I couldn't just give up and say whatever. I also needed something to give me strength again and when I thought about it I realized that the thing I needed was my faith. But this time I was going to do it on my terms. I had a very long conversation- okay, a one sided one- with the Lord that night. I realized my faith and my relationship with God was just that- MINE. It wasn't about me following the other followers. It wasn't about me being a sheeple. It was about how I felt, how I connected with Him and how I conducted myself. I can still read my books, I can still love my gay friends and family and I know I WILL see them in our afterlife. I know all the people I love will be with me in the end. My God loves me as I am, faults and all. He isn't vindictive, he isn't some stuck up jock from Beverly Hills that only accepts people with certain looks and bank accounts. He doesn't hang out with the likes of a giant cheeto who is trying to twist everything that is good and honest making them work in his favor. He is my God and he is kind, he is loving, and he is merciful.
So I am praying more. I am singing along with the radio on the Christian station. I am feeling better, much less stressful and for that I am thankful. My favorite song is Old Church Choir and no one is going to steal my joy this time!!
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