Memories

So June is always a hard month for me. June 2nd is my sister Christine's birthday and then June 13th is the anniversary of her passing. It will be 15 years this year since she passed away from cancer. I have been going to counseling for several weeks now and one of the things we discussed recently was my sister. Even after 15 years I still struggle around this time and I asked her why. I keep thinking I should be having an easier time by now. I know I will never forget her but should I really be breaking down in tears so easily? She suggested I write a letter to my sister because maybe I hadn't finished my grieving process. She was my best friend. I have never been close to my other sisters but I was to her. I spent 11 months watching her slowly deteriorate and lose her battle with cancer. I don't think I can ever get that out of my head. I still don't understand why God had to take her. Why her, why that moment, what purpose does it serve? God has to know how much me and my family suffered and still suffers from that loss, not to mention the fact that she never got to see her son grow up. I guess I will have to accept the fact that I will never understand what happened or why. It helps to talk about it and get those feelings out. She never got to meet my kids, she never got to meet my husband. She wasn't there for my wedding. We have missed having her around for so many things in our lives, how do you accept that and move on? When she passed away I spiraled out of control. I did things that no one would have ever expected from me and I know I never would have taken that path had she still been around, mainly because she would have kicked my butt. So then I wonder well did she die so that I would go through those things, would I be the person I am today if I hadn't experienced the things that I did? There will always be a never ending supply of questions and I know none of them will be answered until the day I go to heaven to be with her. That doesn't mean I won't stop asking them, especially around this time of year.
The following lyrics are from a song by Alan Jackson that really touched me when I heard it, this is such a fitting song and it gives me comfort.

Sissy's Song by Alan Jackson

Why did she have to go
So young I just don't know why
Things happen half the time
Without reason without rhyme
Lovely, sweet young woman
Daughter, wife and mother
Makes no sense to me
I just have to believe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

Loved ones she left behind
Just trying to survive
And understand the why
Feeling so lost inside
Anger shot straight at God
Then asking for His love
Empty with disbelief
Just hoping that maybe

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me

It's hard to say goodbye
Her picture in my mind
Will always be of times I'll cherish
And I won't cry 'cause

She flew up to Heaven on the wings of angels
By the clouds and stars and passed where no one sees
And she walks with Jesus and her loved ones waiting
And I know she's smiling saying
Don't worry 'bout me
Don't worry 'bout me
Don`t worry 'bout me

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