A New Year, A New Life??
It's 2007!! Wow, it seems like yesterday everyone was dreading the whole Y2K event and here we are 7 years later! A lot has happened in life and it seems like a person never gets a break.
The most amazing thing is just before Thanksgiving I finally gave birth to our little miracle girl Jadynn Christine. You know when I had my son AJ I thought "Wow, this is pretty cool, its kind of neat being a mom" but that didn't last long and I went back to my partying ways leaving AJ in Grandma's much more capable hands. That was 10 years ago and during my entire pregnancy this time around I kept joking how I felt so inexperienced and how I was starting all over again. Maybe it was due to my insecurities of being a first time mom with AJ or the fact that I was seeing everything through my husband's eyes, who is a first time dad. At any rate when she finally arrived after a grueling 11 hours of excruciating pain ending in a cesaerean section, I felt so relieved to finally have her here yet so much trepidation of things to come. I mean how could something so amazing have come out of me....again! Whatever did I do to be so incredibly blessed?? She is beautiful and perfect in every way possible and she will grow up to love me and is a much needed addition to our little family.
Fast forward 7 weeks....she is still beautiful and perfect. Everyday I look at her in awe and wonder through my bloodshot eyes with bags underneath and bone weary fatigue. I never thought I could function so well on 3-4 hours of sleep every night. It is amazing what our bodies can deal with when necessary. I can't wait to watch her grow and develop yet I hate to see her grow. It is so wonderful to have a little baby to love and to cuddle in the house again. It helps you to see the world through another set of eyes, another point of view. I want everything to be so perfect for her. I am so afraid of making the same mistakes I did with AJ, I want to be a better mom for her and for AJ.
Things have been tough around here lately. Between the lack of sleep and lack of finances we are stretched both physically and mentally. I know they say that God will never give you more than you can handle but the other night I was so ready to give up on Him. How can He know how much I can handle because really I feel ready to explode. Ever since the pregnancy I have felt myself drift further and further from Him and when I quit my job at Compassion and wasn't confronted by it on a daily basis I began to feel completely disconnected. It was as if I didn't have a religion anymore. I was back to being the same old Nikki I was before I was saved. Tom is the complete opposite of that. He is praising the Lord and thanking him for our blessings and praying to him on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud and a fake, especially when I am in the midst of my church family. After Jadynn was born I was trying to do better but still not doing enough. Then Tom got laid off, then the credit card bills starting threatening to charge off, then we started discussing bankruptcy. Not to mention the blood pressure scare I had, and the troubles with getting government assistance. Did I mention how much I hate being in the system for government assistance, it is all such a joke. They are supposed to be their to help families in our position, yet the only ones they really help are the ones that don't need nor deserve it. Anyway it was like enough is enough Lord, we can't take anymore or we will break. I told my husband I give up on God, and oh my did he get upset! Well that night its off to the weekly home meeting and we requested prayer for my spiritual battle. I feel a little better since then but I still feel somewhat disconnected. Maybe its time to pick up my bible. One of the ladies that night suggested I read the books of Ruth and Esther. She said to do it while I am feeding Jadynn, when I am sitting in the quiet in the middle of the night with my sweet little baby and then and only then will I be open enough to really hear what the word is telling me. Ever since I got pregnant, the ladies in church keep telling me this my time for a breakthrough. That I will be coming up in the Lord and that my walk will be closer with him. That I will be an example to the younger girls and that I will minister to those who are beginning to choose the wrong road that I have already explored beyond belief.
And so maybe this is the year for a new life! It is already so much more than I ever expected to have. I wish a wonderful and new life for everyone else out there this year!
The most amazing thing is just before Thanksgiving I finally gave birth to our little miracle girl Jadynn Christine. You know when I had my son AJ I thought "Wow, this is pretty cool, its kind of neat being a mom" but that didn't last long and I went back to my partying ways leaving AJ in Grandma's much more capable hands. That was 10 years ago and during my entire pregnancy this time around I kept joking how I felt so inexperienced and how I was starting all over again. Maybe it was due to my insecurities of being a first time mom with AJ or the fact that I was seeing everything through my husband's eyes, who is a first time dad. At any rate when she finally arrived after a grueling 11 hours of excruciating pain ending in a cesaerean section, I felt so relieved to finally have her here yet so much trepidation of things to come. I mean how could something so amazing have come out of me....again! Whatever did I do to be so incredibly blessed?? She is beautiful and perfect in every way possible and she will grow up to love me and is a much needed addition to our little family.
Fast forward 7 weeks....she is still beautiful and perfect. Everyday I look at her in awe and wonder through my bloodshot eyes with bags underneath and bone weary fatigue. I never thought I could function so well on 3-4 hours of sleep every night. It is amazing what our bodies can deal with when necessary. I can't wait to watch her grow and develop yet I hate to see her grow. It is so wonderful to have a little baby to love and to cuddle in the house again. It helps you to see the world through another set of eyes, another point of view. I want everything to be so perfect for her. I am so afraid of making the same mistakes I did with AJ, I want to be a better mom for her and for AJ.
Things have been tough around here lately. Between the lack of sleep and lack of finances we are stretched both physically and mentally. I know they say that God will never give you more than you can handle but the other night I was so ready to give up on Him. How can He know how much I can handle because really I feel ready to explode. Ever since the pregnancy I have felt myself drift further and further from Him and when I quit my job at Compassion and wasn't confronted by it on a daily basis I began to feel completely disconnected. It was as if I didn't have a religion anymore. I was back to being the same old Nikki I was before I was saved. Tom is the complete opposite of that. He is praising the Lord and thanking him for our blessings and praying to him on a daily basis. Sometimes I feel like such a fraud and a fake, especially when I am in the midst of my church family. After Jadynn was born I was trying to do better but still not doing enough. Then Tom got laid off, then the credit card bills starting threatening to charge off, then we started discussing bankruptcy. Not to mention the blood pressure scare I had, and the troubles with getting government assistance. Did I mention how much I hate being in the system for government assistance, it is all such a joke. They are supposed to be their to help families in our position, yet the only ones they really help are the ones that don't need nor deserve it. Anyway it was like enough is enough Lord, we can't take anymore or we will break. I told my husband I give up on God, and oh my did he get upset! Well that night its off to the weekly home meeting and we requested prayer for my spiritual battle. I feel a little better since then but I still feel somewhat disconnected. Maybe its time to pick up my bible. One of the ladies that night suggested I read the books of Ruth and Esther. She said to do it while I am feeding Jadynn, when I am sitting in the quiet in the middle of the night with my sweet little baby and then and only then will I be open enough to really hear what the word is telling me. Ever since I got pregnant, the ladies in church keep telling me this my time for a breakthrough. That I will be coming up in the Lord and that my walk will be closer with him. That I will be an example to the younger girls and that I will minister to those who are beginning to choose the wrong road that I have already explored beyond belief.
And so maybe this is the year for a new life! It is already so much more than I ever expected to have. I wish a wonderful and new life for everyone else out there this year!
Comments
This blog broke my heart. You know all the struggles I have gone through in the past three years. I was actually thinking the other day... how can someone like Nik, who is a new Christian, be stronger than someone like me - who has been saved since 13? I was really thinking that. Do you know why?? Beacuse you are wise beyond belief and your experience has helped you get there. You will NEVER be where you were before. You are going to be a great mom and wife and love the Lord. I know life isn't easy right now. Remember my favorite line? Say it with me... Life isn't supposed to be easy. Ha. It is surely time that you open your bible - maybe that is the whole reason you are going through this... so you will open your bible and seek Him. There is no other way to get through life, and moments like these will bring you together. Do you remember when I finally broke down after B and asked God to carry my burdens? I felt like I had been carrying a boulder for months or even years. And only when I had shed enough tears to fill a Coke bottle did I ask him to take over. I hated the feeling of not being able to handle things myself. But, that is why God is here! We don't and shouldn't need to! Oh, Nik. I am so sorry that things have taken a hard turn during this joyful time in your life. You must press on and show God's love to your children. Without Him, life is hopeless. I actually had a dream about you last night, and I hope since you have written this things have changed. You know I am here for you and if you need anything at all, just let me know.
Love you lots and hang in there,
Nic