Springtime and Babies
My husband and I have been trying to have a baby. It has been a long and difficult road for us and I am afraid that it is just the beginning. Everywhere I turn I see pregnant women, babies and even my best friend just had her second child. When I was a little girl I would play with my dolls and tell my mom that I wanted to have lots of kids. She would just laugh and tell me I would change my mind when I grew up. As I got older I would have all the typical daydreams of cute husbands and lots of babies. As I entered high school, I was very heavy. I had never had a boyfriend or a period and I began to think my opportunities for motherhood were null and void. Then I began watching the daytime talk shows and learned of the world of adoption, foster care, and artificial insemination. I began to daydream again thinking I can do at least one of those things. When I was eighteen years old, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. Not much was known about the disease at that time and I was told that I would never have kids, that I would be an extremely high risk for ovarian or uterine cancer and that I would have a hysterectomy by the time I was thirty. After the shock of that I decided maybe it wouldn't be so bad not having kids. After all, I have three older sisters who are producing kids left and right, I could be the glorified aunt. I began thinking of all the fun things I could accomplish and all the traveling I could do without kids. Then I got pregnant.
After the birth of my son, I wondered how I could have ever gotten through life without this experience. It is very true that you don't know what you are missing until you have experienced it. The pregnancy and birth of my son was the most wonderful experience I have ever had. Of course this started the daydreams in full force once again.....maybe I can have a big family after all.
Well then the world of single motherhood set in. AJ and I had a very rough first seven years. I decided I didn't like the responsibility after all. Then he became an obstacle to my social life. I had discovered sex and boyfriends. Those are difficult to accomplish when you have a two year old on your hip. Then I was stupid enough to date a man who didn't like kids. I was constantly running intereferenc between him and my son. Anytime we went somwhere together, it would be in my car because heaven forbid if AJ spilled something in his. It soon became easier to leave AJ with grandma all the time. At least I knew he was safe and happy. I soon started thinking I would give up my dream of having a big family because at least I had found a mate, and even though he didn't treat me well, what else could I get with the way I looked.
I finally gave up on that dirtbag and decided me and AJ only needed each other and our family. It was shortly after this that I found a doctor who had been studying PCOS and was able to really help me on to the right path for treatment. When I had initially been diagnosed the only treatment they believed was to put the woman on birth control pills until they got cancer, then just remove everything. This doctor informed me that the only reason I got pregnant with my son is because of the birth control pills, but that they were not an appropriate treatment. Because of my PCOS I also had an underactive thyroid and insulin resistance. Due to these severe hormonal inbalances I could still have kids but would need to take fertility medications. I began my numerous medications and began to settle happily into a single life with my son and we began to seek out the Lord.
Then I went to my high school reunion and met my husband. Again. Afterwards I told my best friend I was going to marry him. One year, one month later we did just that. Now we had discussed having one or two more kids, we both really want a daughter and I told him all about my problems but that it shouldn't be difficult to get pregnant with the proper medications. Thats what my doctor had been telling me. Well in February we went to see the fertility doctor. All my hopes went down the drain. He said that I needed to lose 25- 5 lbs before he would prescribe anything.
About a month later I went to my regular doctor for a check-up and she said she was going to write a letter to him explaining what a monumental task it was going to be to try and lose that much weight. Because of my disease, it is a monumental task to even lose 5 lbs. Back to the fertility doctor whose answer was to join a more aggressive weight loss program.
Okay, that takes money we don't have. We are doing everything we can to pay off our bills so we have money when we get pregnant.
It is so discouraging and heartbreaking to want something so badly. I can see it but it is always just out of my grasp. I am trying to reinforce my faith regularly and pray that the Lord doesn't mean for us not to have anymore children. I often dream about being pregnant again and how different it will be this time with a partner who loves and supports me. I have to believe that he blessed me once with my son and hopefully he will bless us again, and again, and maybe again.
After the birth of my son, I wondered how I could have ever gotten through life without this experience. It is very true that you don't know what you are missing until you have experienced it. The pregnancy and birth of my son was the most wonderful experience I have ever had. Of course this started the daydreams in full force once again.....maybe I can have a big family after all.
Well then the world of single motherhood set in. AJ and I had a very rough first seven years. I decided I didn't like the responsibility after all. Then he became an obstacle to my social life. I had discovered sex and boyfriends. Those are difficult to accomplish when you have a two year old on your hip. Then I was stupid enough to date a man who didn't like kids. I was constantly running intereferenc between him and my son. Anytime we went somwhere together, it would be in my car because heaven forbid if AJ spilled something in his. It soon became easier to leave AJ with grandma all the time. At least I knew he was safe and happy. I soon started thinking I would give up my dream of having a big family because at least I had found a mate, and even though he didn't treat me well, what else could I get with the way I looked.
I finally gave up on that dirtbag and decided me and AJ only needed each other and our family. It was shortly after this that I found a doctor who had been studying PCOS and was able to really help me on to the right path for treatment. When I had initially been diagnosed the only treatment they believed was to put the woman on birth control pills until they got cancer, then just remove everything. This doctor informed me that the only reason I got pregnant with my son is because of the birth control pills, but that they were not an appropriate treatment. Because of my PCOS I also had an underactive thyroid and insulin resistance. Due to these severe hormonal inbalances I could still have kids but would need to take fertility medications. I began my numerous medications and began to settle happily into a single life with my son and we began to seek out the Lord.
Then I went to my high school reunion and met my husband. Again. Afterwards I told my best friend I was going to marry him. One year, one month later we did just that. Now we had discussed having one or two more kids, we both really want a daughter and I told him all about my problems but that it shouldn't be difficult to get pregnant with the proper medications. Thats what my doctor had been telling me. Well in February we went to see the fertility doctor. All my hopes went down the drain. He said that I needed to lose 25- 5 lbs before he would prescribe anything.
About a month later I went to my regular doctor for a check-up and she said she was going to write a letter to him explaining what a monumental task it was going to be to try and lose that much weight. Because of my disease, it is a monumental task to even lose 5 lbs. Back to the fertility doctor whose answer was to join a more aggressive weight loss program.
Okay, that takes money we don't have. We are doing everything we can to pay off our bills so we have money when we get pregnant.
It is so discouraging and heartbreaking to want something so badly. I can see it but it is always just out of my grasp. I am trying to reinforce my faith regularly and pray that the Lord doesn't mean for us not to have anymore children. I often dream about being pregnant again and how different it will be this time with a partner who loves and supports me. I have to believe that he blessed me once with my son and hopefully he will bless us again, and again, and maybe again.
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